Being Single: Transforming “Alone” to “Awesome”
“Everyone else is married, growing families, and moving on in their life. It sucks that I’m single. I never thought I’d be at this point in my life and alone – it’s not what I ever pictured”
It’s challenging to be the only one around who isn’t coupled. When you find yourself constantly attending weddings, joining couples for dinner, catching up with friends in serious relationships, or overhearing a stranger’s relationship stories it can feel like life is taunting you. Not to mention all of the well-meaning friends and family who incessantly ask: “Why aren’t you dating? You’re so beautiful/smart/funny/wonderful. You should be married!” It’s like salt being rubbed into open wounds – it’s enough to make you want to get in bed, throw a blanket over your head, and not come out again for a long, long time.
Regardless of what else is going on in your life, you can’t seem to shift your attention from the fact that you are alone.
If your life seems to be full of potholes and disappointments, the cloud of being single can make everything seem darker and more difficult. It’s easy to seize on the thought: “If this one thing were different, everything would be better.” And when that one thing doesn’t easily change, you find yourself spiraling further into a funk that’s hard to get out of.
Even when things are going well – you enjoy satisfying work, do activities that interest you, and have a group of good friends – it’s not unusual to get locked into the idea: “Life would be so much better if I had someone to share it with.” So you find it hard to even enjoy the things and people who you do have.
Over time, you may start to find yourself wondering: “What do they all have that I don’t? What’s wrong with me?”
When that line of questioning starts you find yourself in the rabbit hole of heightened self-consciousness - second guessing everything you are doing and saying and wishing for. While before you seemed to move easily through life, now you seem to be tripping over yourself, not able to get out of your own way.
You may also find yourself looking back to other times in your life when you easily started and stayed in relationships. These days, you’re likely to find yourself going through the motions of uninspired dating, finding that it’s a lack-luster experience that drains your spirit rather than contributes a sense of fun and excitement to your life. Looking around, you feel a quiet and helpless despair: “My mojo is gone and I have no idea where it went or where to find it.”
You can also find yourself thinking that there must be some super-secret code that others have broken and you’re still trying to figure out. The code that tells you “What guys are looking for” or “What women want?”
The trouble with this is that you find yourself in crazy contortions trying to make yourself fit into someone else’s expectations. It’s a lot like trying to wear a too-tight pair of shoes because everyone else loves them – they aren’t comfortable, you’re always off balance, and at the end of the day you feel miserable. You also have a whole new worry: “What if I get into a relationship and they discover who I really am?”
It’s totally understandable to want to be in a relationship… and it’s not the panacea that you are hoping that it will be.
With a new relationship comes an initial flurry of excitement, hope, and happiness. It feels like you’re in a Disney movie – you’re walking on air, the birds are singing and you have someone exciting to dream about and to plan with. Someone who seems to see all the best in you.
After a while though regular life kicks in. You have your first disagreement. Things get bumpy. Things get challenging. And life seems to lose its luster again.
Looking at couples from the outside, it’s easy to think that they are blissfully happy, that life is easier. But that’s looking from the outside. So many people who are part of a couple are feeling as lack-luster (or worse) about life as you currently are.
The key to happiness – whether you are single or part of a couple – is to create your happiness from inside rather than to try to find it from the outside.
Happiness Researchers have found that there is a formula for happiness, which is as follows
Happiness is: 50% genetic, 10% circumstantial, and 40% lifestyle
So, what does this mean?
It means that you’re born with a genetic set point for happiness – and you tend to settle back to this happiness set point following both positive and negative changes.
A really, really, really small part of your happiness relates to your circumstances – the job you have, the house you live in, the clothes you wear, the people you know, how much money you have… and whether you are in a relationship or not.
And a large chunk of your happiness is dependent on your perspectives and choices – how you think and what you do.
There’s no reason to wait for someone else to make you happy – to make life feel amazing, satisfying, or secure. You can love your life now – single or not.
Wellness Coaching offers you an opportunity to create the life that you want. Through insightful conversation focused on creating inner alignment by drawing out your interests, strengths, values, and dreams, we lay the foundation for you to live the life you want to be living - in the here and now.
Inner alignment is priceless. It also happens to make you more likely to find a partner who complements your life richly and satisfyingly – two wholes coming together to create something more than their parts.
What are you waiting for? Your life is now.
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